3 Steps Back, 1 Step Forward

Day 14: Improved failure. I am slowly making my way out of the rut that I was in. Getting 2nd stage interviews has definitely been a pick-me-up. I’m also meeting up with some old work friends tomorrow and I’m excited to see them.

I’ve realised that the older I get, the more I keep things in. Now days when something serious and negative happens, I tend to keep it to myself and I avoid talking about it. For example being made redundant – I haven’t told most of my friends. The only ones that know are friends that worked with me.

I guess its a psychological thing…I can already anticipate the conversations that I’d need to have if I were to tell my friends about the redundancy and the repetitiveness of those conversations is what I want to avoid. I know those conversations would evolve into repetitive questions every time I see them e.g. how’s the job hunt going?, have you got a job yet?, followed by the standard platitudes e.g. it’s ok, you’ll find a job soon, everything will be fine, you’ll find a job that you’ll actually like, etc.

I know they’d only be saying those things because they care and they want to be nice, but I don’t think they realise it just makes things more awkward and exasperating.

So I’ve avoided telling them, which is why I’m excited to see my old work friends because I have nothing to hide from them since they already know. To be honest, I’ve been avoiding going out with my usual group of friends as frequently as I used to, just so that there are less instances where I feel like I have to hide this from them. I don’t like hiding things, as I’m usually quite an open person, but I just can’t seem to summon the energy to have those conversations at the moment.

Anyway, I will hopefully get a job soon and be able to move on with my life.

 

 

When Change Slaps You in the Face

Day 3: Failed. Went to sleep at 1:30am and woke up at 9am. Not ideal. But then neither is my life at the moment, so I guess I’m just going to have to roll with it.

I recently got made redundant, and my not-so-spectacular-on-and-off relationship with my boyfriend of 7 months has just ended for the last time. Don’t we all just LOVE being an adult?

But you know what they say, sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.

Ok ‘better’ I’m ready for you now.

On a serious note, I have learned a valuable lesson for these recent events. In both situations I already knew that I wasn’t happy. I hated my job and with my relationship I knew there was no future with him because all he ever did was stress me out. However, as a side effect of being an pseudo-adult, I chose comfort, familiarity and complacency over having to make some tough decisions. I procrastinated like I’ve never procrastinated before.

I remember moments where I’d get so angry at work and I swore that I’d find another job and leave. I’d even fantasise about how I’d quit. Then after a week or two I’d calm down and return to the comfort of the familiar. It was the same with my relationship – I’d be so upset with him and declare that I no longer wanted to be together…but then he’d apologise and promise he’d change. And every time I allowed him back in my life, not because I actually believed he could change, but because it meant I could go back to my comfort zone.

Surprisingly though I don’t feel very down. I do feel a little anxious, but I also feel relieved. I’d started applying for jobs the week before I got made redundant and managed to land an interview the day after I left work. I’m hoping to get a job within the next few weeks, which if it happens then the redundancy would’ve been perfect because it would mean I got a payout for leaving, which was something I’d been in the process of doing anyway.

In relation to my relationship, even though we didn’t end it on the best of terms, I feel like now I can get on with my life. 7 months ago I was in a good place with my personal life, until I met him and my life and any kind of positive progress got sidetracked. Before:

1. I’d been going well with becoming a minimalist (will elaborate in upcoming posts)
2. I’d started eating healthier and cooking at home a lot more
3. I’d quit smoking (at that point I think I hadn’t had a cigarette for about 4 or 5 months), and
4. I’d started exercising regularly (3-4 times a week for about 4 months – which by the way has NEVER EVER happened before in my life).

In the last month, as I started distancing myself from my ex, I’ve been getting back on track and now I feel like this is the perfect period to really focus on me since I’m not working and I have a lot of time on my hands.

And that was how the 5am Experiment was born.

Here’s a print I made myself and hung on my bedroom wall as a reminder of what is necessary for change to occur.