So tell me about yourself…

I’m currently interviewing for 6 different jobs. Each job will have at least 2 rounds of interviews, some will have 3. So far I’ve had:

• 3 x phone interviews
• 1 x skype interview
• 4 face-to-face interviews

On top of that I still have 3 x 1st round face-to-face interviews this week. The thought of answering any of the following questions again makes me want to shoot myself.

Below are the questions I get asked at every. single. interview. And below each question is what I’m really thinking in my head when I’m asked these questions:

1. So tell me about yourself? My brain: I hate commitment and I generally don’t like people. It takes me a while to warm up to people and it takes a lot for me to call someone a friend. Since entering the workforce I’ve been constantly amazed at the number of completely incompetent people in every organisation, especially in management and I am astounded that more of them have not been fired. Sometimes I wonder to myself, how have these people managed to stay alive for this long?
2. What made you apply for this position? My brain: I need a job. I need to get paid so that I can feed myself and my cat. Your job ad listed all the skills that I have so I thought to myself the chances of getting hired are higher than if I applied for a job I’m totally unqualified to perform.
3. Why are you looking to leave your current position? My brain: Because I was made redundant by my manage who is an asshole. Even if I wasn’t made redundant I would’ve left because the place was a hell hole and every minute there was excruciating. Had it not been for the 4 good friends I had there, I would’ve literally thrown someone out the window. Friends save lives.
4. Tell me about a time when you had conflicting opinions with someone? How did you work through that situation? My brain: I had to physically restrain myself from punching them in the face and grit my teeth for the entire 3 months project so that I didn’t say anything that would’ve got me fired or do anything that would’ve got me sued. Again, I’d like to reference back to my complete amazement that such incompetent people have jobs.
5. How do you prioritise different tasks, especially when there are multiple competing tasks? My brain: I pick the task that is most likely to get me fired if I don’t do it on time. I work this out by seeing who gave me the task and where they are in the pecking order. If their title starts with Chief, then they will usually be priority one.
6. How do you deal with change? Are you comfortable with an environment where change is constant? My brain: I deal with change the same way I deal with idiots. I bear through it and hope to God that the person making the decision relating to the change is not a moron and that if we’re really lucky then that person also has a somewhat coherent plan on how they actually want to carry out the change. And most importantly, I hope in my heart of hearts that there is a logical reason for the change and its not just because “they felt like it”. My comfort for change is directly proportional to the IQ and capability of the person making the decision at the top.

I truly wish I could just record myself answering these questions and just email each employer a copy of the recording so that I don’t have to go through this again.